All Hail the Magic Teapot
by bagpiping-fma-fangirl
Summary: Lust finds a magic teapot, and all hell breaks loose. XP
1. Chapter 1

All Hail the Magic Tea Pot

It was just a normal morning at the Homunculus Manor. Wrath was acting particularly hyper today. Envy was being tortured by him as always. Wrath was on top of Envy, hitting his face with a pillow repeatedly.

"GOD DAMMIT! Get the HELL off me you hyper active brat!" Envy yelled with his face as red as molten lava.

"Envy-kun! I'm hungry! " Wrath yelled with his mouth drooling.

"First… GET OFF OF ME!! Second… I DON'T CARE!!"

While continuing to get the 'Little shit' off, Lust walked in the room. It seemed she was holding a Tea Pot.

"When did we get this Envy?" Lust said with a look like she was about to crack up at the sight of Envy and Wrath.

"I have no clue!" Envy yelled finally pushing Wrath off of him. "Where was it?!"

"I found it in Dante's room."

"Then how the hell should I know! And why were you in there in the first place!!"

"I was looking for Tea Pots"

Envy gave her the 'what the hell' look and walked out of the room with Wrath holding and biting his leg thinking he was chicken. Pride walks in looking around at the decimated room.

"What the hell happened here?" he asked.

"Do you really want to know?" Lust said with an exasperated look.

"I don't," he said. "Did you find a Tea Pot I asked for?"

"Yeah 'Sir Fuhrer' bossy much?" she remarked with a look that would have killed a normal person. She shoved the Tea Pot in his arms and stomped out the room.

"Everyone is crazy in this house," Pride said shaking his head as he walked into the kitchen. "Why can't they just act civil?" He grabbed a tea bag, boiled water, put the water and tea bag in the Tea Pot, and poured some in a tea cup.

"Interesting design," He said looking at the Tea Pot. "It almost looks like"- But he stopped talking. The reason, many don't know…some say he had diarrhea, while others say Gluttony did something to give him a heart attack, but what happened was……..

-One hour later-

Greed finally comes home after a non-stop party at Roy's house. Note: Roy had no idea it was there.

-At Roy's house-

"What the FUCK happened!!" Roy yelled at the top of his lungs. "MY HOUSE!!"

His house had Armstrong designs and a hole, what seemed to be a bite, on one side. The inside was completely destroyed. A drawing of Ed's face was drawn showing his tongue sticking out and a note:

_It was all Ed's idea and not Greed's _

"EDWARD!! You will DIE!" Roy yelled with the intensity of a level 5 earthquake.

-Back at the Manor-

"Who the hell!" Greed walked in the kitchen to find a woman. "Who the- Well, well….hello pretty lady."

The woman gave him the look of utmost horror as he walked in the kitchen with insane look on his face.

"What's your problem Greed?!?!" She yelled with an astonished look. "Don't you l know who I am?"

"A pretty lady in a Homunculus house, what else," Greed said getting closer to her.

"It's me you idiot bastard!! PRIDE!!!" She yelled giving a venomous look. "P-R-I-D-E!! PRIDE!!"

"Ehh….err, but Pride is an old man."

"You SHUT UP!!! It is me! THE FREAKIN FUHRER!!!" She yelled with the same force as Roy. "Why are you giving me that look?" She walked into a bathroom. Greed stood on the spot too dumbfounded to move even when the women, who thinks she is Pride, screamed shaking the whole manor, making Envy crash through the ceiling. Note: Wrath is still holding Envy's leg.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!! AND GET THE HELL OFF ME YOU BRAT!!!" Envy yelled getting up from the crater in the ground and kicking Wrath off.

"Who the hell are you!" he yelled pointing to the women.


	2. Chapter 2

**All Hail the Magic Teapot**

**Chapter 2**

Still standing confused in the rubble of the broken down ceiling stood Envy. His eye twitched furiously at the prospect of Greed standing white and mumbling weird thoughts, but the fact was a strange woman stood in The Homunculus Manor.

"Who the hell are you?!" was his last sentence before Sloth then walked in the destroyed kitchen.

"What is it now Envy?" She said tiredly. "Out to destroy the house now?"

"Oh shut up! It's not my fault some weird women screamed her guts out making Wrath freak out and collapse the ceiling along with us!!!" Note: Wrath ran to Sloth yelling "MOMMY, MOMMY! He hurt me and can I have a cookie".

"Really now?" she remarked looking at "Pride". "Are you sure she isn't just Pride in disguise??"

"WHAT!!" Envy and Greed yelled dramatically and then seeing their unison they glared and looked away. "Pride" still stood near the bathroom, speechless at her new form.

"Well, I'm going out of this "Freak House" for a bit, Wrath, would you like to come?" Wrath jumps up with glee and follows her out the room.

"What the hell is going on here?? Does anyone not notice I still haven't had my questions answered or am I just an idiot?" Envy rants as "Pride" looks at the mirror in complete astonishment.

"You're an idiot," Greed whispered under his breathe.

"You, shut up! And you," Envy pointed at "Pride" with alarm," Is that you, Pride?

"O for gods sake yes! It is me, Pride, and I would love to go back to my handsome form!" "She" yelled hysterically. Greed and Envy looked at each other with a grin when "Pride" said "Handsome form" but they said nothing.

"Now tell me," Envy begin rubbing his face with his hand," how did you turn into the opposite sex? I would really want this nightmare to end, even though another will start."

"Well this is how it happened, you see I"-but he stopped before he could continue. His face turned pure white.

"Not bad tea, even though I prefer beer," Greed said, sipping from a cup that it so happens Pride was drinking earlier. "All right, continue your story, I don't have all day so"-But he stopped as a purple smoke shrouded around him, trapping him in a cocoon. Envy eyes nearly popped out at the sudden exposure to his least favorite color, but then he couldn't hold the laughter that exploded when the smoke lifted. Greed was a little boy. He had similar features to a little piranha, but he was still boy like.

"AAAHHAAHAHAAAA!!!" Envy shrieked with gut busting laughter. "You-you-you turned into a boy-boy-boy-AHAAAAAAHAAA!"


	3. Chapter 3

All Hail the Magic Teapot

Chapter 3

Greed stood there with thought of biting Envy's head off while envy continued to point and laugh at the piranha child. "Pride" seemed to giggle under her hand as though she forgot fully of her own appearance. While this is all going on, Gluttony walks in, steals a jar of cookies with the note "Gluttony's Cookies" on it, and walks out the kitchen.  
"AHAHAAAAHAAA!!!" Envy yells with furious come back for all the pranks Greed had pulled on him throughout the years.

"Shut the hell up, Envy, I swear I will rip your arm of if you don't!" Greed yelled with a high pitched kid voice. Envy just laughed harder, and started rolling on the floor where he had a heart attack, losing one life.

"O-K," he said gasping for air still holding back his laughter. "Pride" holding her sides in from the hysterical scene. "I think I had my fun."

"Yeah, well shut up Palm Tree! You big fat meanie!!" Greed yelled viciously.

"Did you just say 'meanie'?" Envy asked with grin. "Is that all the little baby shark can say? Or should I say guppy?"

"Why you evil, back stabbing, son of a"- but he was cut off by the door bell.

"Who could that be?" Envy said as he held out his hand to block the little Greed from trying to hit him. He shoved the little piranha away and walked to the front door. As He opened it, a shrimp like person kicked it down on top of Envy and jumped on it.

It was Ed.

He stood there with bandages all over him, with cuts and bruises, but mostly burns. If you don't remember from the last chapter, Greed had a party at Roy's house and drew a picture of Ed saying:

_It was all Ed's idea and not Greed's. _

"Where are you Greed?!" He screamed as he transmuted a spear from the ground. "Because I am going to kick your homunculus ass so hard you wished you never were artificially created!!!!!"

During this entire rant, Greed hid behind "Pride" so that he could think of a plan. Plans weren't always the best thing he could make up, usually it was either Martel or even Kimbley (the betraying bastard he is) who came up with the ideas. But then, it hit him. No, it really hit him, a teacup hit him squarely in the middle of hi face.

"Owe!" Greed moaned as him took the teacup in his hands. Greed wanted took chuck it hard against the wall, the little anger management freak he is, but he thought otherwise. Ducking under the sink, as to not to be heard by the Nanoscopic red shrimp raging on about all the pain he suffered from getting beat up by Roy, when he finally spotted the teapot, poured some into the cup, ran very fast( unusually for him, because he never had such agility), and poured it down Ed's throat.

"What?" Ed gasped as a piranha shaped boy thing started pouring extremely hot tea down his throat. "What are you"- But it was too late. Ed was captured by the Teapots spell.


	4. Chapter 4

All Hail the Magic Teapot

All Hail the Magic Teapot

Chapter 4

As we all remember from the last few chapters…Pride and Greed transformed.

Pride the opposite sex, Greed into a little child. Now…what about Ed?

"Holy shit!" Gasped the once reassured piranha child as he now stared at the giant, and when I say giant, I mean giant, purple cloud that was just now dissipating.

"I WILL KILL YOU SHRIMP!" yelled Envy as he rose from under the broken down door. "Kicking the flippin' door down when we didn't try to get the freaken philosopher stone this time, or even killed someone in fact do to my clear fancy of killing! Why after I'm done with you you'll-"

Envy never managed to get to what he was going to say when outside the house(Ed wobbled out there before the transformation began) stood the tallest, or the biggest Ed one would ever imagine seeing.

"Who's a shrimp now?" Ed boasts with glee as he glares down at them all, except Pride scuttled away from this war.

"Wow, never expected you to get such a growth spurt Fullmetal, well Greed?" Envy turns to Greed, surprisingly.

"The hell you want?! Come on…oh-OH!" Greed then grins at the Palm Tree, pineapple what ever who is also grinning maliciously around at Ed who is now very confused and steaming pissed.

"Oh shut it you giant shrimp," Greed yells with a grin.

"WHAT?! I don't know who that piranha thing is over there but when I finally have an advantage over you and all you stupid homunculi are gonna do is smile at me?! That's it! I WILL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB CUZ I AM NOT A SHRIMP TOO SMALL TO BE SEEN FROM SPACE ANYMORE!!"

Ed Continued to rant this when somewhere in a Galaxy far, far away…

_Heavy breathing_

"Lord Vader!" Yells some random person in the Death Star. "We have detected a rather large and what seems to be a bothersome being on the place called E-arth!"

"Seems too stupid for me to care! Right now we are on the search for this amazing weapon known as _Gundam_! Keep the search on our primary target!" Yells Darth Vader in is deep, annoyingly echo like voice.

As Ed was finishing of what seemed to be his best rant left, Envy returned from Gluttony's room inside the homunculus manor with…

"Oh Shrimp-san?"

"WHO THE HELL YOU CALLIN' A SHRI-"

Ed now notices who he was speaking to and what he was holding in his hand.

Envy lifted a giant frying pan in the air and smiled tremendously in Ed's way.

"I knew we'd need this sometime in the future! Time to fry some big shrimp!!"

Envy then starts chasing the now fleeing 'Giant Shrimp' when all of a sudden Ed notices the teacup that a weird little Piranha child shoved down his throat.

"I got you now! I don't know if I should fry you or flambeau you Ed! But when I do I-" 'Giant' Ed then had his chance to splash some tea into the spazzing Palm Tree and…

"You thought I was ridiculously funny Envy! Look at you now, HAHAHA!!" Greed manages to gasp nonchalantly with a laugh in Envy covered in purple smoke when…in finally cleared.

"Oh my god," Greed says as he stares wide eyed at…a potted palm tree?


End file.
